Have you ever had a lifelong dream that you worked so hard to reach . . . only to find out when you got there that it just wasn't "you"? That God has something else planned for you that is altogether different, but you just don't know exactly what that something else is . . . yet? Yep, that's been my journey thus far.
Ever since I was an 8th grader in Roger Lee's class, I've wanted to be a lawyer. And not just any lawyer, mind you. I wanted to be a fighter for truth, justice, and the American Way! Plus, I wanted to make lots of moolah and drive a brand-spankin'-new, candy-apple-red Mercedes convertible. And, oh yeah, my husband was going to stay home & raise the kids while I set the world on fire. I'm serious. So, I worked my butt off during high school and college and set off for law school.
Right after undergraduate graduation, I married to my high school sweetheart, had our first child (it's a girl!) over Thanksgiving break my second year of law school, graduated in the top 1/2 of my class (hey, something had to slip), started my first job as a bad-ass prosecutor (all 5'2" of me), and kept going for my goal of becoming the State's Attorney of my home county.
Along the way, we added two sons to the family (16 months apart - YES, we know what causes that). I opened my own private law practice, about had a nervous breakdown, recovered (ha! just don't ask my therapist how recovered!), then got my big break . . . the coveted opportunity to run for election to become the next State's Attorney. The stars appeared to be aligned . . . I thought, this MUST be from God, right?! After all, I've known God personally since I was 8 years old. Surely His goal was for me to get what I had always wanted, what I had always planned for . . . right?
Then why didn't it seem "right" when I was caught up in the buzz & whirl of meeting & greeting & fundraising . . . & missing my kids' ballgames & drama performances? But, still, surely God wanted me to be happy and that meant becoming who I had always planned to be, right?
Then one day, He got my attention. It was ugly. See, He had been trying to use that still, small voice, but guess who was too busy to listen. Too full of herself and the places she was going and headed. Yeah, He let me know alright. As I looked at my children (ages 17, 12, & 10 1/2), I said to myself (or perhaps it was out loud) - WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?? Thus began my journey of learning to lean and hear and really listen. Actually, my journey began with fighting God, being angry with Him and His messengers. I was, to be honest, a hateful, awful, resentful child of God.
Then GRACE took hold of me, and here we are. Won't you join me in this wild, terrifying, terrific journey?
Our stories are so similar, dear friend. I know where you are.
ReplyDeleteThe thing that I have found to be true is that God knows me better than I know myself. He knew that what He wanted for me would satisfy more than what I thought I wanted ever would. In His mercy, He gave me a taste of what I asked for, then gave me what He really had in store for me all along. So different from what I planned. So much better. Trust Him.
The grace journey is never like we think it will be. But oh so much deeper and fuller and more amazing than anything we can ever hope or imagine. I count it a joy and a privilege to walk beside you on these messy roads of life.
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