God, You Want Me to Do WHAT?!

Recently, through a dear, beautiful, godly friend with tears in her eyes, God tells me, "I want you to quit this search for significance, this chasing of your worth through the acceptance of man, and instead, trust me and go home. I want you to be present in your home, PHYSICALLY present. You are to be Mom and Wife, first and foremost. I want you to serve your family. That is my path for you at this moment in time."

My incredulous reaction . . .

God, You want me to do what?! Are You serious?! But I've already tried the at-home-mom thing and I SUCK at it! I mean, really, I so wanted to be a stay-at-homer, but I'm not the super cool fun s-a-h mom like, say, my friend Michele. Now SHE is that kind of mom! Michele always had really neat activities for her girls - crafts & art projects. Me? I couldn't get my boys to do an art project to save my life. Heck, I couldn't even get them to sit still long enough to do any structured activity. No, God, I don't see how this will work. I'd like to pass and take what's behind Door Number Two instead. I'm pretty sure I heard God sigh. He seems to sigh a lot when we're together.

And He said, "Trust Me."

Really, God, I want to trust You. But, I just don't see how this thing is going to work.

He whispered, "Trust Me. Not yourself. Not your own abilities. And not your idea of what it means to be a wife and mother. You've based your expectations of how you are to fulfill these roles on what others have done, on what your church background has painted, not on what I have revealed to you. And let's not forget, that the last time you "tried", you didn't lean on Me. This time, LEAN ON ME AND I WILL GET YOU THERE. Take My hand; it will be like a rafting adventure . . . give up the control & I will give you the ride of your life."

How can I refuse this invitation? So, I'm searching, I'm leaning, I'm falling, and I'm getting back up - He's extended His hands and lifted me up.

He's giving me resources along this journey. Precious godly women (Paula, Laura, Evalene, Donna, Elizabeth, just to name a few). The Word and books galore. I've renewed my love of reading, a pastime that had all but died some 18 years ago when I started law school. Except, of course, for the reading of case law and statutes, "useful" reading to help me win my cases. Now I've discovered the devotional masters. God speaks to me through their words.

This leaning, this trusting, can best summed up by one of my fave authors, Oswald Chambers -

"Loyalty to Jesus means I have to step out where I do not see anything (cf. Matt. 14:29); loyalty to my notions mean that I clear the ground first by my intelligence. Faith is not intelligent understanding, faith is deliberate commitment to a Person where I see no way."

God help me.

Digging Through the Muck Within

This becoming is so . . . difficult. So hard on the ego. It's messy even. To discover those deep-seated flaws that I've carefully hidden these many years.

I mean, I've gone to church my whole life. I confessed Jesus Christ as my Savior at a young age. Heck, I was even baptized - not by mere sprinkling as the Methodist Church I grew up in allowed - but by full-fledged dunking action in a farm pond (which, by the way, "didn't count" when I wanted to join a Southern Baptist Church a few years later & had to be immersed again by the "right" kind of person who believed the "right" things - aka, NOT a Methodist minister). I've played by "the rules." I've always been a "good girl", right? That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Then why have I been so pissed off with God for taking the identity I had painstakingly crafted for myself? After all, I did what He told me to do. I dropped out of the SA race. Shouldn't He be patting me on the back & telling me "well done, good & faithful servant"? And then shouldn't He be ushering me into a Promise Land of blue skies & butterflies & Beatles music & easy living?

And why do my children still fight so vehemently with one another? Full punches and kicks, along with a constant stream of bad-mouthing. Why does my husband still get on my nerves when he leaves his thousands of pairs of shoes in the middle of the floor & I trip on them yet again?! He does that ON PURPOSE you know.

And instead of those much-deserved pats on the back, why has He been exposing so blatantly the darkness that dwells within my deepest parts? Convicting me, even? Of ugly things within, like: I am self-absorbed; I suffer from self-aggrandizement; I am so ungrateful; I don't fully trust Him to have a better plan for my life than my grand scheme; I am prideful; I've been perpetuating the "brat syndrome" - you know that one . . . "but Daddy, I WANT it my way!" And, most telling thus far, I have not placed on the altar my ambition, my longing for acceptance from the populace. Ouch! Lyrics from a Rich Mullins song are playing in my mind right now - "I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want than take what You give and I need? I've beat my head against so many walls . . . "

Perhaps life was easier & more carefree when I was blind to my ugliness. Yet, I'm finding a certain freedom in this Truth, as ugly as it may be. I'm climbing out of the dark.

God help me, please.

Okay, God, Let's Go!

Have you ever had a lifelong dream that you worked so hard to reach . . . only to find out when you got there that it just wasn't "you"? That God has something else planned for you that is altogether different, but you just don't know exactly what that something else is . . . yet? Yep, that's been my journey thus far.

Ever since I was an 8th grader in Roger Lee's class, I've wanted to be a lawyer. And not just any lawyer, mind you. I wanted to be a fighter for truth, justice, and the American Way! Plus, I wanted to make lots of moolah and drive a brand-spankin'-new, candy-apple-red Mercedes convertible. And, oh yeah, my husband was going to stay home & raise the kids while I set the world on fire. I'm serious. So, I worked my butt off during high school and college and set off for law school.

Right after undergraduate graduation, I married to my high school sweetheart, had our first child (it's a girl!) over Thanksgiving break my second year of law school, graduated in the top 1/2 of my class (hey, something had to slip), started my first job as a bad-ass prosecutor (all 5'2" of me), and kept going for my goal of becoming the State's Attorney of my home county.

Along the way, we added two sons to the family (16 months apart - YES, we know what causes that). I opened my own private law practice, about had a nervous breakdown, recovered (ha! just don't ask my therapist how recovered!), then got my big break . . . the coveted opportunity to run for election to become the next State's Attorney. The stars appeared to be aligned . . . I thought, this MUST be from God, right?! After all, I've known God personally since I was 8 years old. Surely His goal was for me to get what I had always wanted, what I had always planned for . . . right?


Then why didn't it seem "right" when I was caught up in the buzz & whirl of meeting & greeting & fundraising . . . & missing my kids' ballgames & drama performances? But, still, surely God wanted me to be happy and that meant becoming who I had always planned to be, right?

Then one day, He got my attention. It was ugly. See, He had been trying to use that still, small voice, but guess who was too busy to listen. Too full of herself and the places she was going and headed. Yeah, He let me know alright. As I looked at my children (ages 17, 12, & 10 1/2), I said to myself (or perhaps it was out loud) - WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?? Thus began my journey of learning to lean and hear and really listen. Actually, my journey began with fighting God, being angry with Him and His messengers. I was, to be honest, a hateful, awful, resentful child of God.

Then GRACE took hold of me, and here we are. Won't you join me in this wild, terrifying, terrific journey?